My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
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