if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Randomize
