I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
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