I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
