Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
