Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
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