I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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