i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
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