i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
