Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
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