We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
