the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
