i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
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