i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
