i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
