she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
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