You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Randomize
