Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
