I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
