how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Randomize
