I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
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