every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Randomize
