so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
