I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
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