I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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