I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
