i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
