I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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