my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Randomize
