peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Randomize
