woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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