my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
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