so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
i think i scared a bird with my dick
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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