I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Randomize
