It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I woke up under a house in Key West
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
