we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
Holy shit dude........stairs
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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