if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Randomize
