I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
