K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Randomize
