May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Randomize
