I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
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