There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Randomize
