I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
I wear drunk well.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
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