If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
Randomize
