Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
