I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
