I accidentally burped into my bong.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
Randomize
