I think we need to take a brake
What upsets me the most about that is that you spelt it 'brake'
I faked an abortion last night.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
