i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Randomize
