after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
