He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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