Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
