So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
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